Lemonsour's Bad-Gift Boycott

Seeya Later from the Lemonsours

2005-12-30T08:28:00.000-08:00

Well, another holiday season has come and gone. Be sure to send in your bad gift stories ... maybe next year you can be the poster family for bad gifting. Though we doubt it. Our friends and relatives seem to be specially endowed in the spirit of bad gifting. You'll have to get up purty early in the mornin to beat the Lemonsours. But don't let us stop you. Send those stories in today. While you do that, we're off to the mall for some heavy gift exchanging. Happy New Year.

Lessons learned from Mother Lemonsour

2005-12-29T08:22:00.000-08:00

There are many do’s and don’ts when presenting a gift to a loved one. You must wrap the gift, don’t just toss it over from across the room to the recipient. That wooden nutcracker that Uncle Greg got for Aunt Gertrude sent her to the hospital as she wasn’t paying attention and it went right off her dome. The legalities are still pending on that incident, so we’re not really suppose to talk about it.

Larry's Late Christmas Celebration

2005-12-28T05:50:00.000-08:00

The time has finally come! The entire family is coming over to our house to exchange gifts. I can’t wait. I said before that I think this will be my year to shine. I made all the preparations that were needed to make this holiday completely error free. Here is what I did:

- Created a list
- Included pictures of the items
- Gave directions to the designated stores
- Distributed contact info of certain sales reps that would be of service
- Even tracked down and included all sales reps’ home addresses and phone numbers

From that last step now, all I have to do is use a good defense against that minor stalking charge that I incurred. I’m not worried. The trial is in like six months, which gives me plenty of time to practice that I’m insane or something of that nature to avoid the charges.

Mitten's request for a post-holiday gift

2005-12-27T07:50:00.000-08:00

Ah, meow. The season has finally come to an end. Lets just say I didn't get that meow bed that I have been meow wanting for the last six years. I will now make it my personal vendetta against Larry to make as much noise as I can throughout the hours of the night. I’ll knock things over meow! Meow howl at the moon! Even turn on the stereo as loud as I can meow (I just learned how to do that the other day, meow he has no idea what he’s in for). Meow pay attention Larry! This is a PSA for you to meow get a good night’s sleep and keep that job of yours!

Lenny can't wait to go back to school :)

2005-12-26T15:45:00.000-08:00

Thank goodness this is almost over. Now all I have to look forward to is going back to school and hearing about all the great stuff that my friends received for the holidays. This is the part of the year that I dread, because I have to make up some obscure story on some phony elaborate gift, then find ways to lie to my friends over the course of a few months on why they can’t see it. Eventually my friends will give-up and forget about it, but I’m not sure how many more times I can put up with this charade!

Bonnie's Wish List ... translated to Lemonsour-speak

2005-12-23T08:55:00.000-08:00

So here are the three things that I want most this year:

1. Japanese lessons
2. Tickets to the upcoming Noam Chomsky lecture at the University
3. Yoga classes

Which in my family translates to:

1. A used doll
2. A t-shirt from Cousin Jerry’s trip to the Corn Palace in Mitchell, South Dakota
3. An easy-bake over (which neither bakes, or is real easy)

If I actually did speak Japanese, it would really come in handy to hide the expletives I’d like to verbally express right now.

Benny's thoughts on "cool" Uncle Greg (not)!

2005-12-22T18:34:00.000-08:00

So my wannabe hip, swinging bachelor Uncle Greg thinks he is “down” with the youth of today and overtly tries to connect with my siblings and I around the holidays by buying us what in his mind are the trendiest products around. The problem is he has the knack of finding the one product that could be trendy but, for some reason or another, is not. Last year, he bought me a trucker hat. Trucker hats can be cool but this was a used one from the Goodwill store that says, “I’m a proud member of the American Legion #262.” It still had the sweat stains and the potent odor of cigarettes.

Holiday shopping tips from Mother Connie Lemonsour:

2005-12-21T09:22:00.000-08:00

Post a “Wish List” up on the fridge for family members to update. That way, when the kids see a commercial on TV and holler, “I want one of THOSE for Christmas,” all you need to do is keep sipping that Margarita and holler back, “FRIDGE!” End of story. No more whining. No more begging. I oughta win the Nobel Prize for that one sister.
Remember to actually BRING the Wish List to the store with you when you do your holiday shopping
Before you begin shopping, you must stop at the mall’s coffee bar for a GRANDÉ size latte and an even GRANDÉ-er size cinnamon roll. Do not skip this step. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200 from the cash machine. It is imperative that you have sustenance before commencing your mission.
When selecting a gift, be sure to think about the unique personality of the “giftee” so you may choose a gift that’s a good fit for them. Note: In special cases where the giftee DOES NOT HAVE a personality, it is appropriate to select a nice set of pot-holders or a back-scratcher.

Larry Engineers the Gift List

2005-12-20T11:15:00.000-08:00

Mittens' escape gone awry

2005-12-19T08:34:00.000-08:00

Meow escape plans have been thwarted by meow evil owner Larry. Meow never liked me. Last year over the holidays, meow kids gave me some catnip in meow stocking. Purrrrrty good stuff. Later though, meow found Larry trying to meow it with his pipe tobacco. All meow had left in meow stocking was one meowsly stuffed mouse. Meow ate it and later coughed up a present for Larry in one of his slippers. Meow bad.

Lenny Advises Returning the Misfit Toys ...

2005-12-16T07:45:00.000-08:00

You know on Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer how they go to that freaky Island of Misfit Toys?? Like, I know we’re supposed to feel sorry for ‘em and all, but seriously, if Santa ever brought ME a choo-choo with square wheels, I’d return that little hobo Misfit faster than you could say, “I want to be a DEN-tist.”

Bonnie shares her grateful gift-receiving faux pas

2005-12-15T13:07:00.000-08:00

Sage advice for gift-receivers everywhere:
One Christmas, when I was a kid, Aunt Millie gave me a yellow, hand-crocheted jumpsuit (think reeeeally big poncho with leg-holes). Unfortunately, I made the mistake of saying, “Eeeeew! I wouldn’t make my DOG wear that outfit!” Mom promptly made me aware of my faux pas by imparting this little gem of wisdom, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”
This, of course, was just a polite way of telling me, “I know that thing is ugly as sin, but shut your piehole and say thank you anyway.”

Benny's Middle Child Syndrome

2005-12-14T07:19:00.000-08:00

Being the middle child can be extremely difficult, especially when it comes to the holiday season. Since I am kind of the forgotten one throughout most of the year, I kinda wish that would continue through the holidays. Did you see what I got last year? I’m too embarrassed to even talk about it. I’d almost rather get nothing than subject myself to the horrid lies of ‘thanks grandma, you’re right, I will be the coolest guy in school with a homemade sweater that states my name on the front,’ whereas in my head I’m thinking ‘I’m totally gonna get beat up for this.’

Why Men Should NOT handle Holiday Shopping ... thoughts from Connie

2005-12-13T09:07:00.000-08:00

I read somewhere recently that more than 87 percent of women handle ALL aspects of their family’s holiday shopping – from maintaining wish lists, to selecting gifts, to wrapping! Can’t say I was surprised at the stats, but I sure wish the guys would pitch in a bit more!

On second thought, when I consider THAT alternative, it frightens me. Men with glazed over eyes, wandering aimlessly thru the local discount store, picking out whatever talking, flashing item is displayed on the end of the aisle, just so some poor, unsuspecting family member can open a Singing Ninja Bobblehead Hamster on Christmas morning. Scary.

Larry laments bad ties...

2005-12-12T07:32:00.000-08:00

Just because I am a used-car salesman doesn’t mean I like bad ties! That is a myopic generalization! If you ever happened to see my business partner before the accident, you would have laughed your head off however. He had the worst ties ever. The jockeys didn’t even ride horses on his ties! That is how bad they were. He would always try to give me one for the holidays, which made me uncomfortable because I never thought of our relationship as the gift-giving type. It annually made for a good seven minutes of genuine uncomfortable tension as I never had anything to give to him back.

A message from Mittens to all other badly gifted kittens:

2005-12-09T07:47:00.000-08:00

To all meow pets out there listening…SHHHHH!!!! Tonite is meow nite when we plot our meowscape. We meow no longer have to stand there and meow it when our owners meow us crummy Meowmas gifts! Oh meow brave feline friends! Meet in meow alley at midnight and journey avec moi to meow land where catnip grows wild, meow litterbox is as big as a swimming pool, and where meow shall be no more hairballs. Viva la meowsistance!

Lenny's not-so-fond memories ...

2005-12-08T12:01:00.000-08:00

Remember last year when I received that weird dancing gorilla thing from Uncle Ted? I try to block that memory out, but it is so hard when every time he visits he wants a viewing of the gorilla’s horrible rendition of “Tequila.” Each time he laughs more and more, whereas each time a piece of me kind of dies inside. I can only imagine what kind of gift I will receive from him to top last year’s blockbuster.

Note to self: Bonnie doesn't like dolls or cute little stuffed toys

2005-12-07T09:05:00.000-08:00

Top 3 Things Girls DO NOT Want For Gifts: By Bonnie Lemonsour

Penitentiary Barbie: Locked up for defaulting on her townhouse payments, Penitentiary Barbie comes with her own orange jump suit, hair brush and jumbo nail file (wink wink).

Baby Trumpiie: This new Donald Trump Baby doll with realistic Kewpie hairstyle will eat, walk, cry and say, “You Fie-Ohd!”. Hair gel & diapers sold separately.

Bean-O Babies: These cute little critters will emit an overpowering sulfur odor within 3 seconds of pulling their finger.

Benny ostricized after receiving bad gift. Scarred for Life?

2005-12-06T07:37:00.000-08:00

Fact: The Heinz Company in Great Britain manufactures a canned food product which contains a sweet, spongy substance that is similar to bread pudding. This popular item is called “Spotted Dick”. I’m serious. Look it up!

What’s that you say? “How would Benny know this?” Well, it seems a certain Cousin Hugh, from jolly old England, thought it would be a “lark” to send me a can of Spotted Dick for my birthday...delivered to my school…directly to me…in the middle of Metal Shop class. The last words I heard from my Shop teacher prior to the maniacal laughter of my classmates? “Uh...Mr. Lemonsour, please step to the front of the room and pick up your Spotted Dick.”
Needless to say, I transferred to Basketweaving 101 shortly after this traumatic incident.

Connie say stop hinting ... get a grip

2005-12-05T09:17:00.000-08:00

So I’ve been hitting the weights real hard this week. Big competition coming up, so I want to look my best. My mother, however, does not understand the whole culture of female weightlifters. Each year she gives me a gift, or “hint” as I like to call it, on how to be more feminine. Perhaps I will have to bench-press her to get the message across that I don’t need those kinds of “hints” anymore.

Larry's next shaving kit

2005-12-02T14:48:00.000-08:00

Larry 2
I have a feeling I’m getting a shaving kit again this year. Like clockwork, my absent-minded Aunt Millie always gives me one. I could help the entire state of Rhode Island stay hair-free with the number of razors that I have accumulated over the last decade alone from her. What’s even more frightening is that I can’t even grow a mustache let alone need a lifetime supply of cheap aftershave.

Mittens: Cats have feelings, too.

2005-12-01T09:28:00.000-08:00

Meow think everyone around me is lucky that meow am a cat meow. If meow could rescind the favor of gift-giving, meow would up the ante of poor judgement, just to meow prove a point. So you think meow enjoy receiving clothing like a poncho and little meow boots to match for the holidays, do ya? I’m a cat! I have meow fur that keeps me warm meow! Why on earth would you subject me to humiliation and embarrassment by dressing me up in cutesy little outfits? For your sick enjoyment?! Perhaps I will intentionally stop using the litter box this holiday season. HA! Meow we’ll see who’s laughing.

Teenage Gift-Giving Tips ala Lenny

2005-11-30T11:31:00.000-08:00

Dudes – listen up. If you are over the age of 60…DO NOT pick out music for your teenage grandkids. They will not like it. No joke.

Case in point: Last year, Grandma Tiny gave me what she thought was a pretty “hip” album: “Back in Black Tie: Songs of AC/DC As Performed by Lawrence Welk” (whoever he is!). I took a listen and, lemme tellya, these guys will NOT be dropping by on MTV’s TRL to chat with Carson anytime soon.

What to do when you receive reject music like this? Let’s just say that our local Goodwill now has quite a collection – courtesy of yours truly (and Grandma Tiny).

Bonnie and Books

2005-11-29T08:57:00.000-08:00

The concept of gift giving. I find it rather amusing. Watching all my relatives’ feeble attempt to pinpoint the essential gift when they are so out of touch with the present day reality for a prodigal child such as myself is like a train wreck. You hate watch, but you can’t look away. They just don’t understand that an intellectual such like me would rather read, “The Da Vinci Code” than another, “Nancy Drew Mystery.” With another holiday season upon us, I think it is safe to say that I have an extra piece of intriguing literature that I can donate to the school’s book drive.

Benny and Proper Responses When Opening a Bad Gift

2005-11-28T07:29:00.000-08:00

According to Emily Post, proper etiquette dictates that your response to an unwanted gift be a tactful one (even if it IS the third pair of patterned boxer shorts you’ve opened this year). The following are some examples of proper (and improper) responses:

PROPER: “Thanks! These will look great with those plaid Bermuda shorts Uncle Morty gave me!
IMPROPER: “What kind of wuss would wear boxers with lollipops on ‘em??”

PROPER: “Double XL is the perfect size! I’m sure I’ll grow into them very soon!”
IMPROPER: “Yah right! I WISH I had a reason to wear underwear this big!”

PROPER: “Thanks Grandma! I’m sure Grandpa’s smiling down at us from heaven, happy to know that his favorite pair of boxers will be used by someone in the family.”
IMPROPER: “AAAAAACK! Anyone got any air freshener??”

PROPER: “Boxers are just fine! Briefs are really too constricting for me anyway.”
IMPROPER: “Boxers suck.”

Connie on Thanksgiving

2005-11-25T07:28:00.000-08:00

How depressing. Just when things were going so well. Thanksgiving was a such a success. My Larry even loved the turkey I prepared! We go from such a great high to the terrible remembrances of last year’s holiday season. I still look at that stupid coo-coo clock that my fossil-of-an-aunt gave me last year from her trip to the old country. The little man who jumps out every morning at 3 a.m. to give me that constant reminder that sleep is for the weak doesn’t even speak English! Only 30 days left until this bad ride is over…

Larry on Thanksgiving

2005-11-24T07:26:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving…Big freakin’ deal. The turkey was dry, my prized football team lost and the kids drove me up a wall. Since that nightmare is over, I can now concentrate on my favorite of favorite holidays: BLACK FRIDAY! I know that the last couple of years have been pretty rough for myself and the family, with the boatloads of bad gifts and all, but I think this is our year. No more singing fish plaques for me! Ha zah, ha zah! This will be best holiday season ever. Perhaps if the whole gift-giving thing goes well, I may be motivated enough to get that promotion at the dealership and save this half-sham of a marriage!

Connie vs. Fruit Cake

2005-11-23T07:25:00.000-08:00

Fruit cake. I’d like to beat the crap out of the guy who invented fruitcake. I casually told my Aunt Gertrude once that I liked fruitcake, which in reality I was just humoring her. Since we aren’t that close, that is all she has to talk to me about. Worst off, she apparently told the rest of my family how much I enjoyed the unexplainable entity of fruitcake. I think I received over 13 fruitcakes last year from various family members. To add insult to injury, I set them out for the birds to eat. Well, as you can imagine, our backyard became a haven for thousands of the feathered friends. You can do the math on what happens when thousands of birds eat pounds of food in your yard. Larry still hasn’t forgiven me for that mess.

Larry on "As Seen on TV" Gifts

2005-11-22T07:22:00.000-08:00

Indoor herb gardens. Ant farms. Singing fish wall plaques. Slicers & Dicers. Remote control devices activated by clapping. Buyer beware – my butt! -- Let the RECEIVER beware! Here’s a tip from the guy who’s received every “As Seen On TV” piece of trash marketed for the last 20 years: Pour a couple extra glasses of Egg Nog for that thoughtful, but misguided junk-gift-giver, then proceed to rummage thru their bag in search of the gift receipt. Do not, under any circumstance, allow them to leave your holiday gathering before you have this critical item in hand! If you experience a sudden attack of conscience -- just remember the singing fish that’s still gathering dust in a box under your bed.

Lenny and Santa

2005-11-21T13:59:00.000-08:00

One of my gifts this year from Aunt Millie is to go to the mall and visit with Santa Claus. Does anyone beside myself see the thought process that goes into this gift? Does she not know that I am in high school?! I stopped visiting Santa years ago! I think I’m just gonna give up on this holiday season altogether…with someone like Aunt Millie in your life, there is no such thing as a happy holiday.

Mitten's wishes

2005-11-19T12:36:00.000-08:00

Meow don’t ask for much. Meow just want a place in the sun where meow can nap 18 hours each day. Meow want the litter box scooped out meow than once a month. Meow want to eat that canned fishy stuff every day. Finally, meow want the new Barbra Streisand CD. Meow LOVE Babs!! This would actually be a gift for meow owners too as it helps mask the sound of meow hocking up hairballs.

Bonnie's commentary on Cuz Milton's gift "expertise"

2005-11-18T14:12:00.000-08:00

Ever heard the saying, “It’s better to give than to receive?” This is especially true in my family when Cousin Milton is the giver and I am the receiver. He’s got a knack for selecting that special gift that makes you go, “HUH????” It’s hard to know what to say when you receive a hand-painted ceramic clown or a velvet Elvis created by “VanGoat.” Somehow, the phrase, “It’s just what I’ve always wanted,” doesn’t seem appropriate. My advice? Wipe that stunned look off your face, smile broadly and shout, “Who’s ready for some more Green Bean Hot Dish??”

Benny and the history of gift giving

2005-11-17T05:32:00.000-08:00

Recent scientific evidence found in pictograph form reveals ancient man began gift-giving rituals as early as the Ice Age. Wonder if they had as many problems with gift giving as my family does?

1. “Ogg no like skunk-fur tie! Smell bad! Clash with leopard pants too.”
2.“Why Grok give Ooka new cook pot? Grok think Ooka like always cook? Grok think Ooka his slave? Ooka think Grok need club to head!”
3. “Gorg buy new spear for Papa Ogi. Spear glow in dark. If he no like, Gorg bring back to mall.”

Connie's insight on women and holid

2005-11-16T05:13:00.000-08:00

Tips for Women Buying Gifts For Men: By Larry Lemonsour

2005-11-15T08:55:00.000-08:00

Since guys usually just buy stuff when we want it instead of waiting for a holiday to roll around, your first step should be to cut off their spending effective October 1, so you can actually buy us something before we buy it for ourselves.

Guys think a truly awesome gift would be a ridiculously expensive, humongous toy that goes VROOM like an ATV, snowmobile or Humvee. If these are not in the family budget, most guys would settle for a gift card to a music store or some decent “guy movies” (TIP: Guy movies must feature at least one of the following: massive explosions, action, special effects or tasteless humor about bodily functions).
Avoid shopping for us at stores with names like “Bath & Spa Treasures,” “Beautiful Tootsies,” “Designer Sheets –R-Us.” Anything that is called a “boutique” or has a fancy French name would be off limits as well.

If you are thinking of buying us clothing, remember we don’t buy a “special occasion outfit” and wear it only once. In fact, we will often save water and soap by wearing the same piece of clothing several days in a row. For that reason, it is best to select only the highest quality jeans and sweatshirts for your man.

One last thought... Nothing says “I Love You” like a 52” flat-screen TV.

Mitten's First Blog

2005-11-14T11:37:00.000-08:00

If meow had one wish this holiday season, I’d wish for another family meow. Meow don’t think I’ll be able to handle another brutal holiday with these people. Larry always receives some sort of lame novelty that advertises him meow as the world’s best dad and it makes meow nauseous as he struts around the house with his meow get-up. Speaking of meow, I’ve got meow hairball to dispense in Larry’s “World’s Greatest Dad” coffee mug.

Lenny's First Blog

2005-11-11T12:14:00.000-08:00

I think I speak on behalf of teenagers worldwide when I say the gifts we get are really sucky. Studies show that we don’t want any more underwear, dorky socks, mittens, self-help books or sweaters with any kind of animals on the front. We won’t like them. For real. I’m just sayin.

Bonnie's First Blog

2005-11-10T12:13:00.000-08:00

So I put together my holiday wish. I thought it over long and hard. This year I am going to try reverse psychology. I’ll say, ‘No Aunt Millie, why on earth would I want a trip to the art museum when I could have a nice plastic jewelry case?” The scary part is that I think the whole strategy will go completely over her head. Whatever. I guess I’ll make room for another useless storage unit for my fake diamond earrings she got me last year.

Benny's First Blog

2005-11-09T11:26:00.000-08:00

We’re counting down the days people. Oh boy! I can hardly wait to see what kind of worthless crap I receive this year. Maybe it will be a giant stuffed dolphin, or even a singing Santa Claus. Whatever the case may be, I hope it comes with a receipt.

Connie's Holiday Trivia for the Day

2005-11-08T11:19:00.000-08:00

Did you know....

A traditional holiday dinner in early England was the head of a pig prepared with mustard.This actually sounds better than the charred turkey we choked down at the in-laws last year.

According to a 1995 survey, seven out of 10 British dogs get Christmas gifts from their doting owners.....and then call up their American canine relatives and go, “Nah nah nah naaaah Nah!”

During the Christmas buying season, Visa cards alone are used an average of 5,340 times every minute in the United States....and that’s only from my Larry’s side of the family!

As of 2004, there are more than 47,000 malls & shopping centers dotting the U.S. landscape. Do you think that I could remember where I parked my car in ANY of them?

Larry's First Blog

2005-10-28T11:49:00.000-07:00

Welcome to The Lemonsours' Bad-Gift Boycott Blog!

We are Sam Goody’s newly appointed bad-gift victims of last holiday season. From candy cane-striped, stuffed gorillas to gifts of the unexplained, our family has endured the worst of the worst, and lived to tell about it on our site, www.BadGiftBoycott.com.

Along with the site, this blog is about the bad-gift trials and tribulations of our family members, Larry, Connie, Bonnie, Lenny and Benny. Even the cat, Mittens, gets into the action.

Enjoy!